I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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