It's Friday. Sex?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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