The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
