I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
