my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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