I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
two words: eviction party
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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