can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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