The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
