Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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