Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
