he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
