I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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