I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
