if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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