cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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