happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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