I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
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You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?