I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
