I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!