I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I won the penis lottery.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
