I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
