I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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