You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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