pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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