if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
