i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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