It's Friday. Sex?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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