My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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