I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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