u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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