I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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