So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
