I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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