my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
