he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
