why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
