I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
