Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
