My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
