dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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