Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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