Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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