Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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