Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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