At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
