I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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