you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
