I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
