Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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