i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
