Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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