My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
