I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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