It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
