this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
