With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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