One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize