I wish I could teleport
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
